Iโll be honest – things feel pretty grey right now. Despite the misery and the madness, there are the odd pops of colour and the little laughs which seem to save me from drowning in a pool of dismay. It’s the magic moments which lift me steadily back to the surface… colour can be found amidst the monotone.
If it wasnโt for my husband and my kids, Iโm not sure how Iโd be fettling right about now. Itโs all too much, too little and too late…
Iโm trying my hardest – Iโm determined to keep up the fight and to do my very best during these tricky and tough times. It ainโt easy though; the constant worry of the phone ringing, the thought of what may be to come in the future and the blatant slap in the face from reality each and every morning.
If itโs not hard enough getting through each day, itโs even harder getting through each night as Iโm finding sleep a real struggle. I’m fed up of feeling permanently tired, it’s mentally and physically draining!
It’s not just the lack of sleep, stress has also affected my appetite. You could offer me cheese, chocolate, and treats galore yet I really wouldn’t be fussed. Stress does wonders for the waistline, although my eating issues are causing me to feel rather cold and whilst the kids are happily space-hopping around the garden wearing next to nothing, I on the other hand, need at least four layers before I can perch on the picnic bench.
There has been the odd day or two where things have felt a little easier, then the phone has rung and suddenly I’m rushing away in the car and it starts all over again. I feel as if I am forever on the phone, checking my phone or looking at the phone and hoping for the best… it’s not exactly ideal.
Oh what I’d do to kick back and to enjoy a glass of wine or two without worrying but then – what if the phone rings? I can’t even have a drink, I daren’t even soak in a bath for too long just in case I’m caught short and have to run with a head full of shampoo.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind in the slightest being called – even if it’s ten times a day! I just wish that things could be easier for us all… it’s not going to happen and I’m well aware that with time things will only get worse.
These are my new ordinary moments, they aren’t moments I’d have ever wished for but I will be sure to keep my chin held high and will remember to look for the colour amidst the grey.
Thanks for reading. I look forward to catching up with yourย #TheOrdinaryMomentsย posts either through your own posts or comments upon this post.
4 comments
It sounds so tough for you right now, I don’t know your exact situation but I sense a familiarity with something I’ve been through myself in the past. I’m glad you are finding those little pops of colour and I hope that you manage to find a little peace sometimes soon. We all need to relax, even more so when sleep is difficult. Big hugs x
Thanks hun – itโs part and parcel of caring for a loved one with cancer x
You really do have to search out the positives at the moment. Without the children I would probably just stay in bed every day! x
Yeh itโs all about the smiles ๐