Losing Track & Finding Myself

Do you ever stop and wonder who exactly you’ve become over the years? Life is a funny thing, just as nature would have it we are forever changing. This is all very well but there comes a time when I find myself stopping and wondering ‘who am I?’.

Who Am I?

I am the girl who stands out from the crowd as my head of bright red locks makes it near impossible to go unnoticed. I once tried dying my hair blond in the hope that I may be able to go about life without standing out like a sore thumb. I found my efforts were wasted as whilst I was no longer identified within large crowds my quirky sense of fashion and bespoke eyeliner trend seemed to give me away.

I’ve tried changing my hair, my wardrobe sense, the makeup and almost everything from an outside perspective but on the inside very little changed. I have always been and will always be that little bit different…

I guess you could say that I’m unique and whilst some many love this I have found that many hate it, hate me to be precise. I sure as hell don’t float everyone’s boat and would never wish to but I’ve always wondered whether toning it down a little may help. I’ve tried toning it down, I’ve tried being a quieter, subtler, less obvious version of myself but within a few weeks cannot help but to return to being brash, bold and ever so slightly bizarre. It’s just who I am…

Collecting Labels

Over the years though I have collected labels without even realising, I’ve become a wife, a Mother, an Auntie, a daughter-in-law, a sister-in-law, a friend and much more. All these important things that I have become yet still I haven’t really changed as such

My career on the other hand has changed massively, I am no longer a student, no longer a Teacher for that matter, I am no longer what I wished to be. What do I want to be? I don’t even know for sure… Happy I guess but given that theres little to no opportunities around this area in terms of job prospects and my kids are happily settled in school / nursery I have very little choice other than to ride the wave and to hope something better than bar work pops up in the near future.

Whats The Issue?

I’m not sure whether it’s the career issues or personal issues as to why I’ve found myself writing this post but I will openly admit I feel fairly lost at present. I’ve lost my way from the tracks and need to find myself again but having spent the past two years desperately trying to do just that I’ve found a very different me…

I have changed without realising, I have unintentionally become a totally different person from that which I was a few years back. I’m still a Mother, I’m still a wife, I still have family and friends who I’m very much attached to but I feel that perhaps I’m no longer Rachel that everybody once knew.

Finding Myself

So who am I? I’ve been told by family and friends that I’m sparkly, funny, kind, clever, beautiful, sassy, bold, confident, brash and brimming with attitude. It’s like listening to a description of someone I don’t even know! If I were to describe myself I’d say I was uncertain, unsure, shy, nervous, paranoid, apprehensive, irritating, slightly manic at times and lacking…

I feel that I am lacking in so many areas that I can barely begin to work out a way in which to better myself. I would like to believe that perhaps once I eventually find a job which suits and I am able to focus upon then perhaps I can begin to work upon my self-esteem and begin building things from there.

What Really Matters?

Should a career mean so much to somebody? I am forever being told that money isn’t everything and that so long as my family and friends are healthy and happy then that’s all that matters. I guess it is all that really matters in the grand scheme of things but it would be nice to have that final piece of the jigsaw firmly put into place rather than lost down the back of the sofa somewhere, much like myself… lost.

Never in a million years would I have expected to be where I am today. I have so much to be proud of but also a great deal which I am far from proud of. I only wish I could edit my past a little and delete a few of my errors, fix a few of the bugs and tidy up the hard drive a little as despite working hard to overcome my issues from the days gone by I still find myself battling hard to forgive and to forget.

Hope

Maybe in years to come I will be able to look back and finally find myself able to proudly tell myself exactly who I am. Life is a journey and whilst you may be in the driving seat you can never be sure of your destination. I only hope that lifes travels lead me to some answers, good times ahead and a fairytale ending.