I Am What I Choose To Become

I have so much to do that I don’t even know where to begin! I seem to have endless lists of random odd jobs dotted around the house and at some point in the next twenty-four hours I need to get my backside into gear and get organised.

The weather isn’t playing ball for the summer holidays and I am constantly trying to find indoor activities for the kids to be getting on with as one moment it’s dry and the garden is in full use and the next the heavens open and we are all back indoors getting the board games out.

I have been having a bit of a rough ride recently and there seems to be a whole lot of negativity surrounding me which I really need to do away with. I’m fed up with writing endless job applications, raising my hopes that I might find a new job and then receiving yet another ‘Dear John’ letter, either that or the deafening silence of rejection. It’s a bitter pill to swallow especially when the World and it’s wife seems to be acquiring teaching jobs here there and everywhere, I wonder whether it’s the fact that I have ten years and more experience under my belt, thus am ‘expensive to hire’ or that my face simply doesn’t fit. I have a feeling it might be the latter.

I was also pulled aside this weekend and warned that I am slowly but surely turning into a carbon copy of my Father. I was told in a round about way that I need to try to be lighter, smile more and in all honesty to ‘fake it to make it’ with the customers when I am pulling pints. I love my Dad dearly but I will be the first to admit that he can be a grumpy git at times, that is something which I am allowed to say as I am his daughter but I will admit it irks me when others comment upon his character especially when they don’t really know him. My Dad isn’t all bad, he’s just a fella whose recently turned sixty, has been dealt his fair share of crap throughout his time and therefore qualifies to be a grumpy git!

My Dad has his head screwed on and generally talks sense most of the time and so whilst the comments regarding the ‘similarities between my Father and I’ may have been made in an attempt to shock me into suddenly changing somehow, I wasn’t particularly shocked nor upset by the remarks made as I am guessing that most probably whatever irritates my Father also irritates me and our reactions are possibly similar as behaviour tends to be learnt.

I work hard and always try to greet people with a friendly face but it seems that somebody sees things differently and now I will find myself demoted to pot washer when they are present simply to avoid conflict. Quite frankly I don’t mind what I do so long as it brings the pennies home and avoids upsetting anyone. I am however starting to wonder whether there is anything that I am good at, it certainly doesn’t feel like it, I feel as if I am sliding even further down the career ladder, to be frank I barely have a ladder left to climb as my options seem to be forever taken away from me.

I was once a qualified Teacher working within a school teaching students, I loved my job and was heart-broken when I was made redundant. I then became a Tutor within a Prison and whilst I was still ‘teaching’ I was fairly happy but it was still far from my dream job and certainly felt like a step down the ladder in terms of my teaching career. I was pushed out of my role within the prison and have no regrets that I walked away from that job but I am sad that I no longer teach as such. I tutor my own children within our home from time to time but it’s not the same and getting back into a teaching role is virtually impossible especially within the area that I live.

It is depressing, it is soul-destroying at times but I have to take stock and remind myself of what I do have:

• Two happy, healthy children which I am able to spend quality time with.
• An amazingly husband
• A loving and supportive family
• Fantastic friends
• A beautiful house situated in a stunning area
• Two cars (one of which may be a fire hazard and the other fairly battered but still they get us from A to B)
• My Own Health (other than needing to shed a few stones in weight)

I am choosing to end my post this post here, on a ‘positive’ note as it is how I mean to go on from now. I cannot allow myself to fall into a pool of self-pity, I must soldier on no matter how hard things get and no matter how much shizz people want to throw in my direction. I will hold my head high and ‘Just keep swimming’.