Life isn’t all peaches and cream, I’m pretty sure from the outside my life looks pretty perfect but let me assure you that under the surface there’s far more to it than meets the eye.
For a start I’d like to make it really clear that there aren’t many people who actually know me as in really know me. I may come across all bubbly and brash but in actual fact I’m super sensitive and am very easily wounded.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and despite banter behind the bar, whilst out and about or across the playground I am easily offended, easily upset and super sensitive to comments thrown in my general direction.
Much like the weather my mood alters fast, I can switch from bouncy, happy Rach to gloom and doom Rach at the click of a finger. I’m not sure whether its hormones, anxiety, stress or just how I am as a person. I’ve always been the same though, up and down like a yo-yo without much or any control over my highs and lows.
Following a few glorious sunshine days I feel a storm may be looming. Thunder and lightening has indeed been forecast for this evening but given that we live in a micro climate I highly doubt whether the forecast will bear any relevance to us. Maybe I too am like a micro climate, despite endless forecasts and predictions nobody can really say how I may or may not be from one day to the next.
Like everybody I have good days, I also have bad days and today wasn’t really either of those. I spent two hours earlier this morning cleaning the house literally from top to bottom. Following working up a sweat I then jumped in the shower whilst E relaxed with IPad on our bed. Having finally applied my makeup, styled my hair and got dressed for the day I felt at ease in the knowledge that I could finally spend time relaxing with my daughter in a fresh, clean house.
As you may have read in previous posts, I suffer with OCD. I cannot cope with things being unclean or messy, the same goes for life and the rollercoaster of emotions that I have encountered over the years. I despise having to deal with messy situations, my immediate reaction is to fix things as best as I can.
There have been times when perhaps I should have kept my beak well and truly out of other people’s business but my desire to ‘fix things’ was too great and I found myself stepping in both mentally and emotionally to try to make things that little bit better. Often the results were successful but I often found that in the end it was usually me that ended up hurt.
They say that every hardship we endure as humans helps us to build strength, “If it doesn’t kill you, it’ll make you stronger”… I’m beginning to wonder if there’s any truth in that phrase as I feel far from strong.
I’ve dealt with a lot over the years, if you were to hand me a tick sheet of ‘shitty situations you’d wish to avoid at all costs’ I am fairly sure that I could tick most of the boxes yet here I am…
Wiser? Stronger? Neither…