A is for Age Gap because whether your children have one or six years between them, people seem to feel the need to comment upon your chosen age gap, whether it was chosen or not far that matter!
B is for Brat because at some point during their life, you will refer to your child as one of these.
C is for Clutter because having children means that your once minimalistic show-home that you were so proud of will become more alike to Toys R Us than the Next catalogue. Your living room will now consist of noisy, multicoloured lumps of plastic rather than colour coordinating, expensive decor. It’s out with neutral and totally in with garish.
D is for Diary because being a parent means that you will have to get your shit together, whether you wish to be organised or not, it becomes an essential element to stay afloat as a parent on a day-to-day basis.
E is for Expectations because any that you may have had are never likely to be met as a parent. That is unless of course you expected to be vomited upon whilst giving a small child a piggy back…
F is for Freddos those tiny, overpriced chocolate treats. Whilst you may swear that your child will never eat chocolate, it is very unlikely that this will be the case. Freddo’s will become a regular accessory within your handbag for those moments when only a small-sized, sugar filled, lump of chocolate wrapped in shiny, purple plastic will fix whatever disaster or random meltdown may have taken place.
G is for Giggles because they will be the best sound you have ever heard, a giggle from your little one will be enough to melt your heart.
H is for Harribo those little bags of sugar loaded sweets which your child will acquire in almost every party bag that they are given.
I is for Irony because there is plenty of this throughout parenthood. Alanis has nothing on parenthood! One prime example being ‘nap time’ when you can sit down and relax (oh the irony). You will find yourself muttering “fuck it” under your breath (in your best Bridget voice) on a regular basis at all the irony which parenthood entails.
J is for Juice whether it be cordial or those little Fruity Shooty buggers that seem to be the topic of disgust on Facebook. Juice will get spilt upon your sofa and no doubt your carpets. My advice is to ditch those cream carpets and the suede sofas. Get practical and go ‘wipe clean’, either that or get a Vax and scrub-a-dub-dub!
K is for Kisses because nothing says “I Love You” like a kiss and a cuddle from your little one. A kiss from your kid is enough to make you forget The World around you and all of its many problems.
L is for Laundry because there will be plenty of this now that you have had children. Whilst you may have been a ‘one to two loads per day’ kinda household, this is going to change fairly fast. Kids have an amazing knack for smearing random things onto their clothing and general fabrics, whether it be paint splodges, tomato ketchup or worse, the brown stuff (TMI I know…) get ready for your washing machine to take a battering.
M is for Mummy because whilst it feels great to be addressed as such, there will be a time when your name seems to be on endless repeat from your little one in their whiniest voice. What once seemed ‘sweet’ will now make you want to stick your fingers in your ears and head for the Gin. It’s lovely really…well for the first 100 times at least.
N is for Nap Time that time of day when you can sit back, relax, catch up with the soaps and … who am I kidding? Nap time is more like a race to get the hundreds of things on your to-do list done before round two begins.
O is for Outings because whilst you once grabbed your phone, bag and keys then dashed out of the door on a whim, outings now require far more planning, preparation and PACKING. Going out with a child can feel as if you are going on a trip to the North Pole when in actual fact you are only nipping to Tesco for some milk. Whilst you once had a clutch bag containing the bare essentials you will now need to carry the equivalent of a small suitcase aka the all essential ‘changing bag’.
P is for Playdates when two consenting adults arrange to meet for coffee and a catch up whilst the kids have a chance to play. This all sounds very serene doesn’t it? Well let me tell you, it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It is almost impossible to finish a sentence never mind conduct an adult conversation as you dash about trying to keep your child safe whilst at the same time entertained.
Q is for Quiet because you can kiss that goodbye now that you are a parent. Quiet will now include the sultry sounds of Peppa Pigs titters or worse, those sodding Paw Patrol Pups, take your pick.
R is for Reading because I feel this is something particularly important and beneficial for adults and children alike. Reading is the one activity in our household which I can actually lay claim to some ‘calm’ within the chaos.
S is for Snack Time because children are bottomless pits. Snacks will become another regular feature within your handbag, I say handbag but I actually mean the gigantic changing bag filled with random, unused but necessary items.
T is for Tantrums because hell hath no fury like a toddler that has lost their sock, or doesn’t fancy sharing or just feels like having a random melt down for the sake of it. Yes, tantrums will become your regular rollercoaster, so buckle up for the ride my friend.
U is for Undervalued because this is precisely how you will feel from time to time throughout parenthood. You will find yourself having moments where you will probably mutter the words “Fuck it” under your breath whilst pasting a smile on your face.
V is for Vegetables those green things that kids point at, poke around their plates and try to avoid eating at all costs. You may have followed the ‘Worlds Best Guide To Weaning’ and have had an excellent eater, but at some point (and it will happen) you will find that your child decides veg ain’t ‘cool’. I suggest sticking as many of the green (and sometimes orange things) into a pan and making random soup dishes to try to get through this particular phase.
W is for Work as some parents do work and some parent’s don’t work. Either way it seems people have an opinion upon working/ none working parents. It’s not work as such that I find the issue, it’s the guilt which seems to be loaded upon us either which way.
X is for X-Rated because whilst that is precisely how you became a parent in the first place, it is unlikely that it will ever be the same again. It’s more dirty nappies than dirty thoughts I’m afraid. Maybe it’s natures very own birth control, who knows.
Y is for Yawn because there will be plenty of those!
Z is for Zzzz a luxury which you may have once enjoyed plenty of will now be limited dependent upon whether your child fancies letting you have some much-needed rest, or would prefer to have you searching for that damned lost sock or their favourite soft toy which they simply cannot be without in the early hours.