When I have a good day it’s a really, really good day and when I have a bad day which there seems to be more of for me, it’s pretty bleak. I don’t actually have any in between days, it’s just one or the other. I’ve tried the meds and whilst they do a grand job of mellowing things out a little, they can make me feel like life isn’t really real, it’s just a movie playing in the background. It’s hard to explain but for those of you that suffer with the so-called ‘black dog’ or depression (there I said it) I am pretty sure that you will get where I am coming from.
I recently decided to stop taking my meds and to try living life in the real world for a while. Unfortunately the real World is a rough and ready rollercoaster littered with some damn right horrid people and shitty situations to boot. There are of course the rays of sunshine that I am forever grateful for such as my husband, kids and friends, if it weren’t for those people closest to me I would stand very little chance of making it for the ride at all.
Tonight has been one of those evenings where I have found myself wondering if maybe, just maybe I should get back on the happy pills and go back to being the smiley Rach everyone knows me as. On the other hand, maybe people should just see the real me and take me as I come.
I’m not going to go into the full details of the things which rattled me tonight as its nothing major, it’s just little things that irritated me really. Unfortunately it’s the little things that seem to build up over time until it becomes utterly unbearable, by which time it’s too late as I am ready to snap.
I am no longer surprised or saddened by the lack of respect, the lack of care and the lack of kindness that seems to come so naturally to those that speak to me. I often wonder whether I have “doormat” written on my forehead as it certainly seems this is how I am treated by others no matter how polite and pleasant I am to them. I wondered whether it was just how those people were and whether they were like this to everyone. I soon came to understand that it is just me that they see fit to be inconsiderate and damn right rude to. It took some time to accept that that’s just how people are towards me but it has kind of become ‘the norm’ and I usually just try to shrug it off.
Tonight was one of those nights when I had let the little things build up again and rather than just taking it as I usually do, I could feel myself getting ready to snap. Usually this results in me finally getting something off my chest in some ridiculously garbled outburst or the easiest form of relief is tears. A good cry can do wonders for letting things out, that or a hot bath accompanied by chocolate.
I have decided to take the hot bath and a Bailey’s option for a change. I am hoping if I stew in the bath long enough I may just be able to let my anger at the World go down the drain with the dirty bath water.
So… Do I go back on the meds or do I face the battle that is life? Is it giving up to ‘pop a pill’ and feel a little lighter after letting go of the weight from my shoulders? Should I keep trooping on and take it on the chin? Is it just me? Will things ever feel ‘normal‘ for me?
I have so many questions and I doubt I wil
ever find the answers to them.