One things for certain, I sure as hell won’t be winning any ‘Mother of the Year’ awards following this past fortnights fuck ups.
Firstly there was the boxer skirt incident which I’m not entirely sure whether J did at home or at school. Either way he somehow managed to rip almost every seam on a pair of his beloved Angry Birds boxer shorts, turning them into what appeared to be an extremely short skirt. He then modelled his rags through the kitchen whilst notifying me that he required an ‘underwear update’.
It was only when I went through his underwear drawer to check how many sets of boxer briefs were required for said update that I realised my poor son had been wearing ‘tight pants’ for some time as most of his underwear was at least two years below his age range! I have since ordered a few pairs of pants to cover both his arse and mine!
Then there was E and the marker mishap which whilst being amusing was a trifle tedious to remove, that and a tad embarrassing to endure during the school pickup. E had somehow located a couple of marker pens within her classroom and had given herself a full set of makeup including eyeliner, eyeshadow, blusher and lipstick which I’ll give her her due was in coordinating colour schemes and did appear fairly neat.
Despite her Teacher apologising for E’s Artwork I couldn’t help but to wonder what exactly it is she does whilst in the classroom. From my point of view it certainly isn’t what she’s meant to be doing and that leaves me with a couple of concerns.
Speaking of E, she seems to be a walking disaster of late! Our little lady is literally covered from head to toe with cuts, scrapes and bruises from what seems to be endless injuries. Whether it’s a tumble in the playground or a loving lamp to then eye socket whilst tooling around twirling about with her cousin.
E has accumulated a variety of war wounds over the past few weeks which if it weren’t for the fact that she’s an absolute klutz I’d be worried that some may wonder if there’s more to it than accidents which I can assure you there isn’t.
If only I could wrap my Princess in bubble wrap to keep her out of harms way, then again she’d only spend her time popping all the damn bubbles or somehow suffocate in the plastic wrap or something equally as dramatic I’m sure.
Earlier this week I found myself rearranging the kitchen followed by our bedroom in some cleaning crazed frenzy, during which I decided to reorganise the Christmas clobber which resides upon the top of our wardrobes. Whilst precariously balanced upon a chair reaching for the wrapping paper I took a significant blow to the noggin followed by a sharp rap on the nose from boxes and books that literally fell into my face.
As a result of yet another ‘Mother Mishap’ I too am now sporting an injury as I have a rather large egg on my head and a glorious gouge from the side of my nose. Not only are the kids covered in cuts and bruises but now I too am looking a little worse for wear.
The very same day whilst on what should have been a safe trip to the supermarket E took a rugby ball to her face whilst crossing the Supermarket car park. Bloody kids, by which I’m not referring to my own although I may at times refer to them as such. God knows why the local teens choose to spend their evenings huddled in a hareem outside Tesco, either that or kicking random rubbish around the carpark damaging cars or worse, my daughters face.
I swear to god whoever it was that lobbed that ball in my daughters direction should breath a sigh of relief that I wasn’t there to witness it. My husband has a much longer fuse than I do, they ought to be glad it wasn’t me they had to answer to as that rugby ball would have been firmly rammed right up… yeh
J also has a couple of cuts and bruises which having asked him how and why they appeared he isn’t sure himself. It could have been a kick whilst at Karate or perhaps a knock whilst running about in the playground, either way he hasn’t a care or a clue as to his injuries.
Seriously though, how is it that my children seem to be so bloody accident prone? Having safely arrived home following yet another busy at School yesterday E somehow fell from the slide which is attached to her mid-sleeper bed, despite having used said slide countless times over the past twelve months without sustaining injuries she somehow managed to slip up and hurt her neck.
After dosing her up with Calpol and holding alternate hot and cold compresses to her neck area (as instructed by Doctor Google) she made a full recovery, I on the other hand have had it up to my neck with these endless cuts, bruises, scrapes and war wounds. I simply cannot handle anymore accidents, I’m fed up of seeing the kids looking as if they’ve spent three rounds in the ring with Rocky, it’s high time they learnt a little spatial awareness and took care of themselves whilst out and about.
Thankfully Christmas is on the way and with that come the holidays when I can finally wrap my little sausages in blankets keeping them warm, snug, safe and secure. That said I’ll be sure to stock up on the plasters, antiseptic cream, Calpol general medical supplies just to be on the safe side, that and plenty of Wine for us adults to keep us cool, calm and collected!
I would say ‘break a leg’ to wish us luck but knowing my doubt that would be exactly what would happen!